Marriage: the ultimate goal of romantic relationship?
There is no definitive answer to what love is. Love is simply love, it is an authentic feeling, a state of mind. It doesn't matter who you are with or how you express it. It needs no definition. Instead, it defines. As long as it feels right, and has consent from both parties, we call it true love.
Two weeks ago, I was at a communion held by a Chinese baptist church, having an interesting debate as the counterclaim about whether the (ultimate) goal of romantic relationships should be marriage (談戀愛應不應該以結婚為目的). The time was very limited and I didn't elaborate it well. And that's why I wrote this post. This post specifically discussed love in a heterosexual romantic relationship, but there is something we could learn that applies to every form of romantic relationship, regardless of the participants.
Matrilineal human kinship
Early human kinship was matrilineal, in which the inheritance was traced through the mother's side of the family. Eventually, due to agricultural practices, with the emergence of surplus, the concept of private properties take roots. Patriarchy started to form and women's power were limited. "Marriage" began to emerge, serving to ensure the child was born legitimately, wealth and lineage remains in the patriarchal line. On the other hand, controlling reproductive rights. It strengthens the patriarchal societies and reinforces the power structure, as well as fixing the gender roles, Eventually, women were reduced to the status of property meant to be traded between families, a precedent that some cultures still uphold.
Given it's origin, marriage is inherently patriarchal, the benefits of marriage remain largely disproportionate, favoring men over women even within today’s modern framework. Despite the rise of dual-income households, women continue to perform the "second shift", the vast majority of domestic labor and emotional work. While men often enjoy the "marriage premium," a phenomenon where married men receive higher wages and career stability because their wives manage the home and family life, thereby freeing them from domestic obligations.
At it's foundation, marriage is a legally binding contract entered into between two parties, forming partnership and to abide by the marriage laws and regulations. In addition, couples are expected to follow the social norms and expectations. When they deviates, they might face criticism, judgement and accusations from the society. Therefore, marriage carries consequences, extending far beyond personal realms, and it largely depends upon the specific legal and cultural context in the society.
Marriage kidnaps love
Marriage is not merely a private commitment between two individuals and their respective freedoms; it is an oath of compliance with societal standards. Given the often harsh realities of the institution, one might argue that contemporary marriage can function less as a sanctuary for love and more as its kidnapper. By viewing marriage as an immutable "goal" or a permanent state determined by law and society, individuals surrender their agency, pretending they are "stuck" in their roles rather than actively choosing to remain. If the institution requires us to surrender our freedom and choose the comfort of a lie over the honesty of a departure, why have we collectively agreed that marriage is the primary objective of a human life?
We have long applied a romantic "filter" to marriage, projecting an image of sacredness and beautifulness. However, the beauty we attribute to marriage is a reflection of the love it contains, not the institution itself. Marriage appropriates the concept of love.
We are deeply uncomfortable with the inherent fluidity of love, and so we attempt to use marriage to "seal" our romantic uncertainties, we rush to formalize relationships before we have even determined their depth or viability, hoping that a legal contract will provide the stability we crave. Marriage is not the silver bullet, it has its problems to be solved.
The essence of a romantic relationship
Romance often begins as a product of our biology, characterized by a chemical urge for connection that leaves us little choice but to fall in love.When the chemical veil lifts, the nature of the relationship undergoes a fundamental change. The automatic nature of the early phase gives way to the discipline of the rational; we are forced to move beyond the sensation of falling in love and engage in the more difficult work of evaluating the person before us, questioning whether our connection is truly rooted in love or simply in the habit of being together.
True connection starts without the need for a "why" or a "to what end." It is a journey of discovery that embraces the full spectrum of the human experience—the joy, the bitterness, and the unpredictability. Such relationships are unburdened by the assumptions of the future; they are rooted in the authentic desire to walk through life with someone because the connection itself feels intuitive and true. It is a voyage that is justified by its existence, not by the promise of permanence. It's create meaning ensemble.
The danger of viewing marriage as the ultimate goal of romance lies in the trap of the self-fulfilling prophecy. When we designate marriage as the finish line, we essentially dictate the outcome of the relationship before we have even truly explored the connection. We compromise, we hide, we suppress, we avoid conflicts, Consequently, inable to display our authenticity. No matter how hard we trying to avoid conflicts, eventually, it will re-emerge.
However it must be acknowledged that the danger is not marriage itself, but the lack of agency involved in entering a contract without first questioning whether that contract truly serves the love it is meant to hold.
Set love free and let love be love
Love must exist in the realm of absolute freedom. If we truly desire the best for the person we love, we must acknowledge that there is no value greater than their autonomy. A love that is truly "best" for both individuals is one that remains an open choice. It's a mutual, daily commitment that holds the freedom to enter or to exit whenever the union no longer serves the flourishing of those involved.
Love is an act of profound selflessness. It's an recognition that we are all independent individuals navigating our distinct life journey. Love requires the honesty to address when the bond starts to fray. It is among the highest human experiences, and it must remain free—never the captive of societal expectations or institutional interests
While love requires compromise, that compromise must never come at the expense of love’s integrity. Love is inherently diverse and vibrant, transcending the boundaries of gender, race, or orientation. Any union between two capable, consenting individuals is valid and deserves to be affirmed. The only essential constraint on love is respect for that mutual consent.
Love can be frightening. It can diminish, it can change, and it can fade. Yet, love is not merely a contract to be signed. Love is a project for lovers to define and a shared meaning to create ensemble. So, do not be afraid of the uncertainty. Do not hide behind the false security of institutions. Be authentic, for the most daring and honest act is to love without a map, and to choose each other, day after day, in total freedom.
Let love be love!
Extended reading: Bible verses about marriage
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. (Ephesians 5:22–24)
It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him (Genesis 2:18).
Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers (1 Peter 3:7).
Biblical texts often promote the stereotype of the submissive wife and the protective authoritative husband. Historically, this degraded women to the status of property, limiting their autonomy and agency and undermining equality. Reinforcing the gender roles and limiting the possibility. Reducing lived experience to a script composed a thousand years ago.
